The ties being severed from you has been cutting. There is a longing, just to talk, just for a semblance of presence however painful that is also. I’m so angry at you for waiting and teasing the possibility of friendship for five months only to lash out with fierce “no, I can’t watch your life unfold without me” and your refusal to feel anything but your concerns, your hurt, your feelings of abandonment and refusal to accept this as compulsory. I understand it. I understand and hurt because of it. I hurt in general. However, the understanding and empathy does not excuse you for insinuating I’m a liar with a lack of love for you. I wish it was the case. That would be easier. But this isn’t easy, it never was.
But things have been getting easier. I’ve been spending time with someone who distracts me from it all. Who is strange and hard to read and makes me nervous at times. Whose body with my body does all the right things. I can’t stop thinking about hands on my neck and I can’t help but think this is exactly what I need. I’m understanding it as a distraction but one that’s becoming filled with more affection, affect, and concerns.
Agenda: be free, play, evolve, and have my pants taken off after a long day/all kinds of days. To be happy. To hope for easier times and ‘happy’ for you, too.
